Domestic Violence

Peace, Happiness, and Tranquility

The importance of family in Islam is peace, happiness, and tranquility — the opposite being disaster, broken homes, and violence.

Mates Created for Tranquility

The Arabic word taskunu means a place where someone feels at 'home,' from the same root as sakan (home). "You are from each other" (Al-Imran 3:195): my mate is part of me, and I am part of her or him.

وَمِنْ آیَاتِهِ أَنْ خَلَقَ لَكُم مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَزْوَاجًا لِّتَسْكُنُوا إِلَیْهَا وَجَعَلَ بَیْنَكُم مَّوَدَّةً وَرَحْمَةً إِنَّ فِي ذَلِكَ لَآیَاتٍ لِّقَوْمٍ یَتَفَكَّرُ ونَ

“And among His wonders is this: He creates for you mates out of your own kind, so that you might incline towards them, and He inspires love and tenderness between you: in this, behold, there are messages indeed for people who think!”

Ar-Rum 30:21

Addressing a Misconception

There is a misconception that Islam subjugates women or considers men superior. No one is better than the other — each has defined roles: man as provider, woman as care-giver and educator of children — reflecting a need for balanced partnership for the betterment of society.

Brothers, do not elevate yourself and place yourself above your wife, mother, or sister, for you are part of her and she is part of you. There is no place for arrogance or forcefulness towards women. "You are from each other" is an elevation of the woman's position, telling men to set aside their pride when dealing with women — in some families, the same message applies to sisters where the wife is the dominant member. She may be the boss, your better half.

الرِّ جَالُ قَوَّامُونَ عَلَى النِّسَاء بِمَا فَضَّلَ اللهَّ ُ بَعْضَهُمْ عَلَى بَعْضٍ وَبِمَا أَنفَقُواْ مِنْ أَمْوَالِهِمْ

“Men shall take full care of women with the bounties which God has bestowed more abundantly on the former than on the latter, and with what they may spend out of their possessions.”

An-Nisa 4:34

Daughters and Mothers Honored

Allah SWT honors and protects women as daughters. The Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) said parents blessed with three daughters, raised well, are rewarded with Heaven; asked if this held even for one daughter, well raised and attended to, he said yes — that alone provides the reward for her parents. Are you investing the time, money, and effort in raising your daughters properly and treating them well?

The Prophet's (PBUH) saying, "Heaven is under the feet of the mother," elevates a woman's role as mother and its responsibilities. Asked who has the most rights in one's life, the Prophet answered "your mother" three times before finally saying "then your father" — to change the mentality of the Jahiliyya to the mentality of Islam.

The Scale of the Problem

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. You might say the vast majority of us have never inflicted physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, never will, and can never imagine it — some may even think this message has no weight. But the belief that in a Muslim family everyone is happy and families are functional is simply not true. And if, Alhamdulillah, you are not one of those affected, it is your responsibility to take this message to others and help prevent abuse before it occurs. Three women's shelters are operated by Muslim organizations in Houston.

This problem transcends race, culture, color, and religion, contaminating every society and socioeconomic status. There have been incidents in our own Muslim community of spousal abuse. We need to be extra careful, as Islam-haters quickly jump to the conclusion that it is part of Islam — far from the truth. But refusing to say so, in the interest of 'not saying anything bad about Muslims,' will not make it go away; it is, in fact, treason to the community, since curing a disease first requires recognizing that it exists. Denial is deadly.

• Nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner — nearly 10 million people a year.
• On a typical day, more than 20,000 phone calls are placed to domestic violence hotlines nationwide.
• 1 in 15 children are exposed to intimate partner violence, and 90% are eyewitnesses.
• Abuse is strongly linked to increased rates of depression and suicide.

Garments for One Another

What does a garment do? It protects from heat and cold, hides faults, covers what should not be seen, and adorns and beautifies the wearer — a perfect description of what spouses do for one another.

هُنَّ لِبَاسٌ لَّكُمْ وَأَنتُمْ لِبَاسٌ لَّهُنَّ

“They are your garments, and you are their garments.”

Al-Baqara 2:187

What Counts as Domestic Abuse

Domestic violence can take many forms: physical abuse, financial abuse, emotional abuse and threats, abandonment and neglect. Neglecting a loved one's needs, raising our voice and not holding back anger, being demeaning or condescending — these constitute domestic abuse too, common in both men and women, and they embolden anger and resentment within us.

We know the story of two Sahabah, one of whom had a wife distraught and in bad shape; the Prophet told the husband: "Your body has rights, your Lord has rights, your guests have rights, your family has rights; give everyone their due" (al-Bukhari, from Wahb ibn 'Abdullah). And he said: "The strong amongst you is not one of physical strength; the strong is the person who restrains themselves when angry" (al-Bukhari, from Abu Hurayrah).

The motivation behind domestic violence is almost always power and control — abusers feel the need to control their partner because of anger, low self-esteem, jealousy, and other strong emotions. Unhealthy cultural norms and growing up in an abusive household contribute to violence, and it could reflect in children.

Often perpetrators do not believe they are abusers because they do not physically lash out. Women are by far the majority of victims, though children, the elderly, and men can also be victims. The stigma and shame of abuse discourages victims and their families from seeking help and further isolates the abused. On the contrary, many victims in our community are encouraged to absorb the abuse and injustice for the sake of Allah — and that is not the solution.

What Must Happen

Simply telling perpetrators that abuse is wrong isn't enough.

• Victims should be encouraged to speak to authorities and keep themselves and their families safe.
• Abusers should take responsibility and accept the consequences of their behavior.
• Abusers should seek extensive therapy and counselling addressing the underlying beliefs and attitudes that lead to abuse — sometimes requiring medicine for depression and other conditions.

Divine Response to Injustice

When Khawla bint Tha'laba came to the Prophet after being thrown out by her husband, who was still following pagan traditions, the Prophet told her he had not yet received specific edicts for such circumstances. She supplicated to God, and Allah SWT responded through the Angel Gabriel, disavowing the cruel pagan practices of the Jahiliyya that treated wives as property.

قَدْ سَمِعَ اللهَّ ُ قَوْلَ الَّتِي تُجَادِلُكَ فِي زَوْجِهَا وَتَشْتَكِي إِلَى اللهَّ ِ وَاللهَّ ُ یَسْمَعُ تَحَاوُرَ كُمَا إِنَّ اللهَّ َ سَمِیعٌ بَصِیرٌ

“Allah has indeed heard the words of her who pleads with thee concerning her husband, and complains unto Allah. And Allah does hear what you both have to say: verily, Allah is all-hearing, all-seeing.”

Al-Mujadilah 58:1

Protection Against Cruel Divorce Practices

In Surat At-Talaq, God decreed there would be no woman cast out of her home unless she committed an immoral act, and no divorce would be final until a cooling-off period.

یَا أَیُّهَا النَّبِيُّ إِذَا طَلَّقْتُمُ النِّسَاء فَطَلِّقُوهُنَّ لِعِدَّتِهِنَّ وَأَحْصُوا الْعِدَّةَ وَاتَّقُوا اللهَّ َ رَبَّكُمْ لاَ تُخْرِ جُوهُنَّ مِن بُیُوتِهِنَّ وَلاَ یَخْرُ جْنَ إِلاَّ أَن یَأْتِینَ بِفَاحِشَةٍ مُّبَیِّنَةٍ

“O Prophet! When you [intend to] divorce women, divorce them with a view to the waiting period appointed for them, and reckon the period carefully, and be conscious of God, your Sustainer. Do not expel them from their homes, and neither shall they be made to leave, unless they become openly guilty of immoral conduct.”

At-Talaq 65:1

A Closing Dua

We hope this opportunity to spread awareness enables our brothers and sisters going through difficult times to reach out for help and recognize the signs, ensuring a safer and more wholesome Ummah for future generations.

Oh Allah, forgive us our sins and transgressions, pardon our lapses, and make us from among the guided. Oh Allah, give us happy lives and vibrant livelihoods, and make us couples between whom is mercy and tranquility, and guide us to the best of practices. Oh Allah, pardon those who have repented to You and turned away from abuse, seeking Your forgiveness. Oh Allah, those who refuse to cease from their abuse and do not repent, then deal with them. Oh Allah, deal with those who transgress against their spouses and children, and against Your boundaries. Oh Allah, forgive us all, Muslim men and women, believing men and women, and make us from those who abide by Your commands and follow the guidance of Your Messenger.